Happiness and Show Quilting

Yesterday I received the wonderful news that my quilt 365 Free Motion Quilting Designs has won a first place ribbon at Road to California! I’m very pleased with this award and how well this quilt is doing in shows so far. It’s an odd quilt because it doesn’t really have a true pattern or design other than all the different filler designs, which you have to get pretty close to the quilt to see.

Winning this ribbon this week made me stop and reflect on how competition quilting has changed for me over the years.

When I first began show quilting, I NEEDED a ribbon. I needed the validation and confirmation that I was good enough. I just didn’t have the self esteem to believe it on my own. Most of my thoughts ran in circles around feeling inadequate, but always with the hope that another quilt, another ribbon, another prize would make me feel better about myself.

Then as I won more ribbons, I began to feel like my quilts were being hijacked. Was I designing them for me, or to make a judge happy? Judge’s opinions can vary so greatly from show to show. Once a quilt won an honorable mention at one show, then turned right around and won Best Machine Quilting at another. I couldn’t deal with this inconsistency, and when I “lost” I was always absolutely devastated.

When making the quilts, my thoughts were a swirl of negativity. It has to be PERFECT! Why did you make that STUPID mistake? WHY are you even trying this technique? You’re not good enough.

Eventually I got so frustrated with myself and my unrealistic need for perfection, I had to stop making show quilts. I just burned out and stopped competing in 2011. I just couldn’t take the negativity it was generating in my life.

It took me a few years and reading several good books to finally pull out of that funk. The Power of Habit was one of the most helpful books for identifying the negative thought patterns that were causing me so much trouble.

I realized that winning couldn’t make me happy in a sustainable way. It’s a brief surge of pleasure and excitement, then back to the regular pattern of thoughts and feelings from before.

If I’m feeling depressed and sad, winning might bring out a smile for a day, but more than likely I’d be right back to thinking sad, depressed thoughts again. The most important thing I’ve learned in the last three years is that happiness, security, and contentment are a choice. 

I can choose to be kind to myself and accepting of my abilities, or I can choose to be my own worst enemy. I used to expect to feel elated for WEEKS after a big win, but it just doesn’t work like that. More quilts, more ribbons, more awards – none of it matters if I don’t feel good about myself to start with.

So now it’s 2015 and I’m competing again, but this time, winning isn’t my goal. I can’t explain how I turned the corner except to say that my new goal is far more important and achievable than just winning.

Instead I show this quilt out of a desire for her just to be seen and appreciated.

I show now just to share. I want to show up and put my work out there and for everyone to see what I can do, but I could care less what a one or two judges have to say about it!

I don’t travel much and quilters rarely get to see my quilts in person. By entering shows, many more people will get the chance to see my quilts and appreciate them close up and personal. I much prefer to keep this quilt moving from show to show rather than rolled up in the closet.

This transformation of attitude has been such an amazing relief! I can truly say that winning a ribbon is just the icing on the cake. It’s not my purpose to enter, but a nice side benefit. I much prefer to receive emails and comments from quilters who have attended the show and loved seeing the quilt I entered. That is the whole point!

So if you’re going to Road to California this weekend, make sure to keep your eyes out for 365 Free Motion Quilting Designs. I’m not sure where she’s headed next, but I know for sure she’s not done yet!

Let’s go quilt,

Leah Day